Lord Tentacula Saves the Day by Nathaniel Paine, based on a character created by Kyle Drake ---Episode 1 - Squeaky Happy Go!--- Where does one begin when telling the story of a great man such as Lord Tentacula, a man who has changed the face of the world and the lives of peoples everywhere for the better? At the beginning, of course! It was a cold summer day in the Negaverse and today was to be the first day of classes at the negaversity. The reason it was called a negaversity is obvious; university was already taken. At any rate, all the students here at the negaversity had but one class: World Conquering and Senshi Assassination 101. It was an introductory level course, so most of the students believed they would receive an A. This was a false notion, however, as there was a small problem. You see, when there are twenty-five students in a class and only one world, there tends to be a little competition. Okay, a LOT of competition. As class started, this slowly began to sink into the minds of the young students. Professor Zoisite, whom everyone knew was a homosexual, handed out the syllabus as Professor Malachite, Zoisite's "assitant," spoke. "Today, class, you will get your first assignment," the flaming Malachite spoke with a lisp. "What you must do is conquer the world. Killing the Sailor Senshi is not necessary for credit, however it can only help. Keep in mind that these valiant warriors are strong, clever, and loyal to each other. They work together like a well-oiled machine." ****************************************************************************** Rei slapped the glue bottle out of Usagi's mouth. "You dumbfuck!" Rei screamed as veins popped out of her neck and forehead. "We needed that glue to put together the Popsicle-stick cabin for your brother's art project! Your stupidity truly astounds me!!!" "What astounds me is that Usagi can suck down a whole bottle of Glue-All without even thinking about the toxicity of it," pointed out Makato, who was beating the hell out of some little kid because he would not give her his lunch money. "I believe I discovered something," cried Ami. "Usagi must have ingested this whole bottle of glue! That is why we are out of glue!" "You know what?" asked Minako. "I think I forgot to put a condom in my purse. Oh well...protected sex is overrated anyway." Usagi, now suffering the effects of the toxic glue, fell on her face. Drool dripped out of her mouth as she slowly lost consciousness. ****************************************************************************** "This class is going to suck major ass," Lord Tentacula thought to himself. He was the first to realize that twenty-five students could not all conquer one world, not even if they were divided up into groups. Lord Tentacula stopped at Room 25N, the dorm room where he would be living with his "partners" in this assignment. As he opened the door, he heard the loud rantings of his partners/roommates as they all ran to the door to greet Lord Tentacula like several beagles. "You must be Lord Tentacula," a lady in green spoke. "I'm Lady Destructoron. How are you today?" She moved her hand towards his genitals as Shit Man introduced himself. "Hi there, Tentacululula!" said Shit Man with a sound that can only be described as a sort of sucking noise. "I knew you'd show up. Diamond Skill didn't think you'd show up. I knew you would." "Oh shut up," said a thin, lanky fellow clad in gray whom Tentacula could only infer was none other than Diamond Skill Eight, one of the greatest Chinpokomon Hunters on the face of the earth. Tentacula was not impressed. "What time did you guys get here?" Tentacula asked the crotch-grabbing Destructoron. "I got here today," said the simple woman clinging to the squid-man's crotch. "No, no, what TIME did you get here?" asked Lord Tentacula, now quite annoyed. "I got here today," replied the simple girl still clinging to Tentacula's crotch. Lord Tentacula sighed. "Nevermind," he told Lady Destructoron as he gently lifted her off of his crotch. "I suppose we should get started on the assignment. After all, a semester isn't really enough time to conquer a planet...not when there's so many people in the class." "All you ever think about is working! Why don't we smoke a bowl and have some fun?" noted Shit Man. "We'll never think of anything if we don't get high." "You're right for once," agreed Diamond Skill Eight as he pulled out some weed. "Would you like to light us up, Lord Tentacula?" "Of course I would," Lord Tentacula replied cheerfully. And so, for a long while, the roommates smoked the illegal narcotic until finally they conceived of a monster so horrendously contrived that not even the Power Rangers would touch it. The monster, known only as Buck, had the power to cause a person to lose intelligence, thereby making them fail every class. The creature, fetal in form, would appear as a squirrel to the Senshi. The Senshi would then take it into their homes and nurse it, for who wouldn't? It was a cute little squirrel, for God's sakes! This made sense to them, and so they sent Buck floating out into the world where he could fuck up the minds of all those he came in contact with. However, in all their drug-induced wisdom, they forgot to tell Buck where he could find the Senshi, and so he was run over by a car. Since no Sailor Moon monster can appear the same-way twice, Lord Tentacula and the gang created a new Buck, one dubbed "AJ Class Buck" which was a red squirrel-fetus instead of a blue one. They decided it would be best to not make the same mistake twice, and they sent the squirrel out into the world to find the Sailor Senshi and, ultimately, destroy them. ****************************************************************************** Meanwhile, back at the temple, Rei was beating up on Usagi (for something stupid Usagi did) when Luna ran into the room. "Sailor Moon," Luna said in a fake British accent, "there is a disturbance in the Force...of nature. It seems that the Negaverse has sent somekind of monster into our realm. Hurry, before it destroys the world!" "Couldn't we, I don't know, go after something a little more dangerous than some stupid Negaverse monster?" asked Rei. "After all, there are robberies and murders that happen right in front of us everyday." "Yeah, I hate criminals," said Makato as she dropped the child's now lifeless, blood-stained body on the ground. The small boy's lunch money jingled in her pocket. "There are some real sickos out there." "You could go fight crime," Luna replied, "but, really, what criminal would take you guys seriously? You fight in little sailor suits!" "Good point," said Rei. "Then let's go, team!" "Hey!" Usagi shouted. "I'm the leader! I get to tell us when we should leave!" "Okay, dumbass, then instruct us," said Rei with a bitchy tone (big surprise). "Good. Let's go, team!" instructed Usagi. ****************************************************************************** Buck noticed the Senshi leave the temple and gave out loud cries that only a squirrel-fetus from the Negaverse could give. "WAAAAGAAAAAAAGAAAAAAWAAAAAAH," cried the annoyingly annoying fetus. "What the hell is that sound?" asked Sailor Venus. "It sounds like some little kid crying," said Sailor Jupiter, ready to fill her pockets with more money given to said child with which he would normally buy lunch. "I think it is coming from over there," mentioned Sailor Mercury as she ran over to investigate. "Oh my dear God...it looks like a squirrel...but it isn't a squirrel...I don't think..." "Well, whatever it is, we'd better check its wallet," remarked Sailor Jupiter. "You know. For identification." "It's a squirrel, moron!" Sailor Mars bitched. "It doesn't have a wallet!" "Waaaaaaaaah," cried Sailor Moon, jealous that the squirrel-thing was getting more attention than she was. "THAT'S IT!" screamed Buck, tired of listening to them arguing. "I may be a stupid little contrived monster that not even the Power Rangers would touch, but you people are complete and utter idiots! I mean, Jesus H. Christ, how the hell did the world ever wind up with you people as its protectors? Isn't it fucked-up enough as it is?!" "A Youma!" screamed Sailor Moon, who had not listened to Buck's words at all. "Let's kill it!" "Yeah!" screamed the other four girls as they got into battle positions. "I am the pretty sailor suited soldier known as Sailor Moon, and in the name of the Moon, I will punish you!" "Oh, right, like some little girl is going to kill me, the great and mighty AJ Class BUCK! ANTI-DIPLOMA!!!" As Buck spoke these words, a large energy-diploma was created and shot toward the Sailor Senshi. Just as it looked like the Senshi were going to die, a small, harmless looking rose hit the energy diploma and shattered it into pieces of energy. "TUXEDO KAMEN!" screamed the girls, who obviously liked screaming quite a bit. "You are a horrible creature," spoke Tuxedo Kamen, a tall man in a black tuxedo and a small, funny-looking mask. "You like to prey upon the intelligence of others and use it for your own evil plans!" "Huh?" said the bewildered fetus. "What the hell are you talking about? I suck up intelligence, but I don't use it for my evil plans. In fact, what I was preying upon is the love people hold for small animals. Besides, if I were preying upon intelligence, do you think I'd be fighting you guys? I'd probably be at some research base in Arizona looking for scientists or something." There was a long, silent pause as Tuxedo Kamen and the girls pondered the fetus's words. "It's a Youma! Let's kill it!" screamed Sailor Moon, who finally broke the silence. "Yeah!" the others screamed. "Umbilical Cord!" shouted Buck, as a short cord of fetal flesh whipped at the Senshi, missing them all. "Planet...Star...Kill...POWER!!!" screamed the Senshi as a large blast of energy raced toward Buck. "NOOOOOOO!" screamed the fetus as he was vaporized. "Prokop would not approve...!" The girls and Tuxedo Kamen then celebrated the fact that they destroyed yet another Negaversian monster. ****************************************************************************** "FUCK!" shouted Lord Tentacula, more than a little annoyed that his creature got its ass kicked by utter morons. "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" "It's okay, Tentaculululula," said Shit Man, consolingly. "We'll get them next time." "Yeah, I guess you're right, Shit Man," conceded Lord Tentacula. "Well, its kinda late, and we'd better get some sleep if we want to fuck them up next time. Next time..." ****************************************************************************** Hey kids, it's time for SAILOR MOON SAYS!: SAILOR MOON: It's almost never a good idea to eat glue, especially if you know it is toxic. LUNA: It can cause permanent damage to your innards if you eat too much of it, too! SAILOR MOON: Sniffing, however, is not bad at all. In fact, certain kinds of glue, when sniffed, can give you a happy feeling! LUNA: And it is 100% safe to sniff glue, since you are not eating it! SAILOR MOON: So next time you feel like eating glue, remember that it is actually better to sniff than eat! Sailor Moon says!