The New and Improved Adventures of Sailor Beavis

Chapter 1

Ye Holy Gringo!

Sailor Beavis was not always the great and powerful hero that he is today. Once, he was just like you and I, a normal everyday citizen of the great country of America, who went by the name "Ye Holy Gringo". Well...not exactly normal...

One day Ye Holy Gringo was walking down the street, coming home from school. He was kinda pissed off - he had just made a 30 on his math test and was considering the type of fuel to use when he will torch the school. Along the way, muttering to himself, he noticed a dog lying on the steps of an apartment building.
"Hey! You!" said the dog.
"What the hell do you want?" asked Ye Holy Gringo.
"Come here."
"Hell no! I got better things to do than stop and talk with a talking..."
It was then that Ye Holy Gringo realized - this WAS a talking dog!
"Ok, dog, what do you want from me?" Ye Holy Gringo demanded.
"I have been waiting for you for a long time, boy."
"So what?"
"I can give you power beyond your wildest dreams, boy. You can be master of your own bunghole, if you will only do one thing for me."
The words "power beyond your wildest dreams" interested Ye Holy Gringo, so he replied:
"Ok. What do I have to do, kick someone's ass? Get you a chick, what?"
"No. Lick my nuts." replied the dog.
"Ack! Hell no!" screamed Ye Holy Gringo. He kicked the dog and ran down the steps away from the building. As he skidded to a stop at the crosswalk, he realized something.
"That's a talking dog! I could make a fortune!" he thought to himself. Ye Holy Gringo ran back to the apartment steps, yanked the dog from the ground, and took off back down the street. Ye Holy Gringo was a greedy bastard, so he decided to nurse the dog back to health and take it on the road as an act. He'd make millions...
As he neared his house, Ye Holy Gringo noticed a bum sitting on the sidewalk, a brown paper bag in his hand. He and the bum stared at each other, and the longer they stared, the more Ye Holy Gringo began to think:
"I wonder what he'd look like in a dress..."
Ye Holy Gringo's attention turned to the car now parked in front of him. It was a brand-new red sportscar, and in the driver's seat sat an attractive young redhead. She instructed him:
"Get in da car, bitch, we goin' for a ride!"
Ye Holy Gringo obliged, and hopped into the car with the dog. Within seconds the car and its passengers had completely vanished from sight, and reappeared in a deserted Buddhist temple. Ye Holy Gringo landed hard on his back. The woman and dog stood over him as he lay unconscious on the ground.
"You sure this is the one, Queen Be-otch?" asked the dog.
"Yeah. Not much to look at, but he'll do." answered the woman.
"You've got that right. Well, wake him up; he ain't doing us no good just laying there!" said the dog, and then began to lick himself.
"Don't be such a bitch, Hercules; that's MY job!" said Queen Be-otch, and snapped her fingers over Ye Holy Gringo's head. He jumped up onto his feet and looked around him.
"What the...where the hell am I?" he asked, scratching his head.
"Relax, butthole. You are in the Temple of PMS, and I am Queen Be-otch. You have been lead a team of superheroes against the evil masters of Triton, Jupiter's moon. That dog over there is Hercules. Damn flea-ridden mutt can't do anything right, but if he says you're the one, I guess I gotta go along with it."
"Hey, look, just give me the damn dog and tell me how to get out of here. I don't want any trouble." said Ye Holy Gringo.
"Must I do this the hard way?" Queen Be-otch asked herself. She raised her skirt and Ye Holy Gringo suddenly floated to the ceiling.
"I'm getting too old for this myself, butthole. Either you take the job or I royally kick your ass." she instructed, and let go of her skirt. Ye Holy Gringo fell to the ground with a loud thump.
"Ow! Damn, that hurt!" cried Ye Holy Gringo, picking himself up from the floor and dusting off his shirt. Queen Be-otch was not finished. She raised her middle finger and a gale wind slammed Ye Holy Gringo up against the wall.
"Oww!...ok, dammit, you win. What do you want me to do?" asked Ye Holy Gringo, painfully limping over to Queen Be-otch.
"Take this pen." she said, pulling an object from the bun in her hair.
"What is this - blue? Black ink? What?"
"Not that kind of pen, dumbass! This is a Magic Sailor Bitch Pen. It will give you the abilities you will need to defeat the evil monsters that King Butthulio will send to earth. There is but one rule governing the Sailor Bitch Pen: it must NEVER leave your side." Queen Be-otch explained.
"That little plastic piece of crap is gonna give me power beyond my wildest dreams??"
"Hercules, have you been lying out your ass AGAIN?!"
"Hey, you told me any means necessary..." replied the dog.
"I told you get him! And I still had to finish the job because you got your ass dognapped!" yelled Queen Be-otch.
"Hey! HEY! Can we get back to me here? My bunghole is becoming impatient!"
"Oh yeah... power, eh? Looks like I'm gonna have to prove it to you."
With that, Queen Be-otch pulled another pen from her hair. She stuck it down the front of her dress into her bra.
"Magic Sailor Bitch Pen, Biatch crisis MAKEUP!"
A cloud of smoke briefly enveloped Queen Be-otch, and when it dispersed, she stood before Ye Holy Gringo in a floor-length, flowing dress.
"Eternal Biatch ring attack!" she called, and pointed her middle finger at Ye Holy Gringo. A beam of light shot out from the ring on her finger and sent Ye Holy Gringo smashing through a wooden door.
"Biatch makeup - down!" Queen Be-otch commanded, and she turned back into her former self. Ye Holy Gringo emerged from the broken door, hunched over and wincing in pain.
"Now do you believe me, you assmunch?" asked the Queen.
Ye Holy Gringo collapsed in a heap on the floor. Suddenly, Hercules's ears popped up.
"There is a great disturbance in the Force, Queen Be-otch."
"Wrong spoof, dipstick! Hey! Gringo! Wake up!" said the Queen, slapping Ye Holy Gringo's face. He opened his eyes, pulled himself off the floor, and looked at Queen Be-otch.
"Time for you to get moving, Sailor. There is an evil presence in the park and we need you to go take care of it!"
"What? Now? What the hell for?"
"Look, you ain't got a choice." said Hercules, hopping up on a chair facing a computer screen. He pawed at a few buttons while muttering to himself. Finally, he pulled on a lever.
"Go, Sailor Beavis!" he exclaimed, and Ye Holy Gringo disappeared in a flash of light.
"Think he's really the one, Hercules?" asked Queen Be-otch.
"He sure as hell better be. We let him take that pen without licking my nuts first." replied the dog, and began punching in data on the computer.

Ye Holy Gringo reappeared in the city park, where, just as Queen Be-otch had said, an ugly, evil monster was terrorizing the trees and other natural stuff. Ye Holy Gringo pulled the pen from his pocket and taunted the monster with it.
"Yeah, come here, you asshole. Yeah, you! I'm gonna kick yo ass!"
The monster charged. Ye Holy Gringo ducked out of the way just before the monster crashed into him. It ran into an ice cream stand and splattered fudge ripple all over everything.
"Ack no, damnit, that's my favorite flavor!" Ye Holy Gringo protested. The monster bared its horns of the gooey ice cream and readied itself for another charge. Ye Holy Gringo realized that he would have to go one-on one with this creature. He had to find somewhere safe to stick the pen...
Quickly, Ye Holy Gringo pulled his pants down and stuck the pen up his ass. Suddenly he was overcome by light, and as the monster hit Ye Holy Gringo, it simply bounced off of him.
"Whoa cool! Kickass!" exclaimed Ye Holy Gringo. He walked towards the monster and flipped it off. Enraged, the monster leaped to its feet and blew a fireball at Ye Holy Gringo. It broke through the shield of light surrounding Ye Holy Gringo and knocked him to the ground, unconscious. As he lay there, he heard a voice repeating:
"The password is 'Magic Sailor Bitch Pen, fly up my right butt cheek!'"
It was becoming rather annoying. So annoying that it brought him back up on his feet, and he screamed at the top of his lungs:
"Magic Sailor Bitch up my right butt cheek...pen up my ass...MAKE-UP!"
A smelly cloud of smoke shrouded Ye Holy Gringo, and beams of light rapidly shot out from within the cloud. Ye Holy Gringo jumped from the smoke, now wearing a short, pure-white skirt and blouse (with matching pearl buttons).
"I am the Sailor-Suited Pretty Soldier...SAILOR BEAVIS! In the name of my right nut, I'm gonna kick your ass, bitch!"
The monster stopped in his tracks and stared at Sailor Beavis with a comical look on its face. Sailor Beavis looked down at his Sailor Suit, then back at the monster...
"What you looking at, punk? Now what?"
Again, the voice called out to him.
"Use your special attack!"
Quickly Sailor Beavis readied himself to attack.
"Magic Right Nad attack, power-up!" he shouted, and pointed his hands at the monster. A bolt of lightning shot from his fingertips and shocked the monster. It groaned in pain and fell to the ground, dead. Sailor Beavis walked over to it and kicked the carcass; with that, it disintegrated into a pile of dust.
"Whoa. Cool. Huh huh, huh huh. Yeah, that was... pretty damn skippy!"
A beam of light enveloped him again, and within seconds he was back at the temple.
"Good work, Sailor Beavis. Damn skippy outfit, too." said Hercules.
"That kicked ass! Yeah!!"
"You have proven your worth to us, Sailor Beavis. Now we may begin searching for the other members of your squad; later battles will not be so easy." chided Queen Be-otch.
"Damn, bitch, you call that easy?" retorted Sailor Beavis.
"Shut up, Gringo. Remember, that pen can go a little bit further up your ass than you think!" she said, firmly.
"Eh blah. Call me if you need me. I'm getting the hell out of here." said Sailor Beavis, walking towards the door.
"And just where the hell do you think you're going?" asked the Queen.
"I'm going with you!" said Hercules, hopping down from his chair and dashing after Ye Holy Gringo.
"I gotta get this damn pen out my ass somehow! Sailor Beavis - power down!" he said, then disappeared from the temple with Hercules.