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Human Cloning: A Solution to World Hunger

Let's eat clones.

Just kidding. I don't approve of cannibalism, at least the non-consensual variety.  But human cloning would be awesome, and if there was a waiting list to have your very own clone, my name would be at the top of that list.  I know what you're thinking.  "This selfish asshole wants to have a copy of himself so he can make his life easier, just like Michael Keaton tries to do in Multiplicity."

First of all, it needs to be made clear that clones do not have the magical ability to age in hyper-speed so they can look just like you, and then switch over to "normal mode" once they catch up.  My clone would be my identical twin brother, only about 23 years younger.  A brother, and a son, all in one. 

For some reason, the concept of human cloning causes dumbasses to shoot off their worthless opinions on those wonderful "Word on the Street" segments that TV news reporters think are so informative:


Cloning is not something unprecedented in nature.  Bacteria living inside you right now clone themselves about every 20 minutes.  Plants not grown from seeds are clones.  Identical twins are genetic copies of each other.  There is nothing inherently monstrous about it.

"But Daniel, it's unnatural!  We shouldn't be sticking our dick in mother nature's design!"

Who gives a shit?  Quit trying to force-feed me your conservative morals.  In-vitro fertilization is no less unnatural, but it's been practiced for almost three decades now without a mouse-fart of opposition to be heard.  And besides, how many times has mother nature ruined your day?  Let's get even with that bitch.

"But wait!  Isn't it unethical to create human clones if we don't know the long-term impacts it would have on their lives?"

No more horse shit please, my plate is full.  When are we ever 100% sure of anything?  That's right, never.  And yet we still produce drugs with side-effects, still force pre-term delivery of babies (despite strong evidence linking premature birth to heart disease), and still allow people with a history of genetic disease to procreate.

So now we can all agree that opponents of cloning are a bunch of doddering, contradictory oafs who piss in our ears if-and-only-if their sensitive morals are insulted.

So like I was saying, if I ever wanted a child, I'd make sure to sign up for a clone because it would be interesting to raise myself in a new environment and see how I develop.  It's not like I'd be toying with a child's life or anything.  Watching children grow up is something that all parents take an interest in, ain't it?  But in this case, it would be like some kick ass time-travel nature-versus-nurture experiment in my very own house.

And if it doesn't work out, I can always eat him.


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