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VISA: Cheap Bastards

I received a new credit card the other day, and much to my delight, I discovered that my card comes with "Purchase Security", insuring (for 90 days) the personal property and gifts that I buy against all direct accidental physical loss or damage, for up to $50,000.

Which should come in handy when the store you bought some defective junk from will only give you in-store credit.

My excitement soon faded, as I pulled out a magnifying glass and began to read about some of the PERILS EXCLUDED:

1. Mysterious disappearance, or fraudulent acts of you or your household members.

Come on now, aren't all disappearances mysterious?  And if my household members "mysteriously disappear"...well...I don't see how that's any concern of the credit card company.  Unless I somehow use their credit card to do it...

2. After an item is received in good order, any wear and tear, gradual deterioration, latent defect or inherent vice, marring or scratching of any fragile or brittle article.

I've never seen anything get damaged that didn't have a defect or "inherent vice".  What's that?  A car ran over your CD player and it actually BROKE?  Well, I'd say the inability to have a car safely roll over its plastic surface is a serious design flaw, wouldn't you?

Give me a good sledgehammer, and I'll prove to you that everything is brittle.

3. Any act of God such as flood or earthquake.

That's not a problem, because anything that damages MY stuff will surely be an act of sorcery, mischievous sprites, aliens, or the Devil.

4. Act of foreign enemies or rebellion, voluntarily and knowingly exposing yourself to risk from an act of war (declared or not) or voluntarily participating in a riot or civil disorder.

This is just getting ridiculous.  Well at least they didn't rule out a coup d'etat.

5. Loss or damage resulting from intentional or criminal acts committed or attempted to be committed by you or your household members.

Why don't they just cut off my balls while they're at it?

6. Setting, expansion, contraction, bulging, buckling or cracking, dampness or dryness of atmosphere, changes of temperature, freezing, heating, evaporation, loss of weight, leakage of contents, exposure to light, contamination, change in colour or texture or finish, rust or corrosion.

I think you'll need a Ph.D. in chemical engineering to come up with any remaining ways there are to ruin your shit.  It looks like you just have to hope that someone steals your unwanted goods.

Then, just when I thought they had almost completely covered their asses, they pull out this surprise:


1. Money, travellers cheques, bullion, stamps, tickets and tokens, evidence of title or any other negotiable item.

2. Jewelry, gems, watches and furs or garments trimmed with fur, if contained in baggage, unless such baggage is hand carried at all times by you or your travelling companion.

Great, they exclude the only two things that ever get stolen: valuables, and unwatched bags. But that's a quick fix: just take your unwanted expensive stuff out of the bag, leave it where someone can steal it, and turn your back for a few seconds. Presto! You've got VISA by the balls.

Here's the one that blew my mind:

3. Automobiles, watercraft, amphibious or air cushion vehicles, aircraft, spacecraft, trailers or outboard motors and other accessories...

Whoa, stop right there.  Did I just read SPACECRAFT?!  I don't know of any spaceship retailers in my area that take VISA (although I haven't been to Best Buy yet).  I guess if anyone decides that their brand new intergalactic cruiser qualifies as a gift/personal property (bought with their credit card, no less), they can sleep easy at night knowing that if it gets stolen from out in the driveway, the good people at VISA have got 'em covered with Purchase Security.


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