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On the Superiority of Digital Watches

I went shopping for a watch a few months ago.  Here's more or less what transpired:

Dude:  Can I help you with anything?

Daniel:  Umm, sure.  I'm looking for a new watch to replace my old one [dangles beat-up Timex Ironman from a broken plastic strap to show the Dude].

Dude:  Ok.  Is there a particular brand you're interested in?

Daniel:  I don't really know anything about you have anything with Indiglo, or something that can light up?

Dude:  Mm [slight frown and pause].  No, not Indiglo, but these watches over here all have luminous hands and hour markers.

Daniel:  Oh.  Well, do any of these have, like, an alarm feature or something?  'Cause sometimes I like to remind myself when there's something important I have to do.

Dude:  No...these ones don't have alarms...but let me show you some of the Citizen and Omega models.  Now Citizen is a world-famous company...[proceeds to fawn over some ugly $500 pieces of metal].  

Daniel:  I think Timex is pretty good.

Dude:  [scoffing] Citizen blows Timex out of the water.

Daniel:  Uh huh...But these analog watches can't really do all that much, don't you think?

Dude:  [shaking his head condescendingly]  C'mon, nobody wears Timex.

Daniel:  What do you call THIS?

Dude:  [seeing his commission slipping away] Well at this store we mostly specialize in elegant and high-quality timepieces.

Daniel:  How about something with a chronometer, or a countdown timer, or like, multiple-lap function, and maybe a day/month/date display?


At this point the Dude lost interest and left me to browse while he helped another customer.

It's painfully obvious that digital watches are superior in every way to analog watches.  They have numerous functions, are inexpensive, and aren't so damn heavy.  Ask any child which one they'd rather have, and I guarantee they'll go for the digital.  Why?  Because reading numbers is a helluva lot easier than interpreting sticks and lines.  It's not really a problem at the beginning of the hour, when the short hour-hand points directly at, say, the 1, but after about 45 minutes or so the short hand gets awfully close to the 2, and you've suddenly got to waste a few tenths of a second doing some mental gymnastics to figure out if it's 1:00 or 2:00.  Screw it, I'm going to take a nap.

In fact, watch designers like to add to the inherent confusion with their minimalist stupidity:

Twenty-two thousand dollars later and you still won't know what time it is.  The designers should go the extra step and get rid of those clunky watch hands, because it's obvious you didn't buy this watch for telling time.  When you're this wealthy, being on time isn't important.

Then there's designers who go for the opposite extreme.  Ever wonder what would happen if a barometer had sex with a speedometer?  Wonder no more:


There are 4 main reasons why you began to wear an inconvenient analog:

1) Conformity.  Much like the transition from Velcro fasteners to shoelaces, there is a certain age at which people decide that analog watches are for grown-ups, and make the switch out of a desperate need for acceptance.  Many of your friends began to wear them, and you caved-in faster than a Chinese coal mine like the mindless twit that you are.  Way to go.

2) A Gift.  You were suddenly thrust into the analog world against your will.  Rather than pretend that you lost the watch a few weeks later, you held on to it, and there was no turning back.  You have only yourself to blame.

3) Image.  You believe expensive, elegant watches will provide you with an elevated social status in a pathetic attempt to compensate for your personal shortcomings.  Although people like you fuel the economy, you are nevertheless a pimple on the ass of humanity.

4) Idiocy.  With that moth-sized brain of yours, you are inexplicably drawn to bright shiny things.  There is no cure for this condition.  You will always be a stupid turd.


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