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Amazing Dollar Store Discoveries
I don’t know why I bought those two packages of disposable razors in the Dollar Magic store in Vancouver. Perhaps it was the futuristic package design, or the mysterious product name: TG-II Plus. Or it might have been because the company, Dorco Co. Ltd., was bold enough to proclaim these razors to be NEW TECHNOLOGY. But honestly, in my innocence, I thought that there was a chance, a very small chance, that a cheap Korean-made product could still be of high quality.
I confess that after trying the TG-II Plus, I was quite amazed: the Koreans have invented a metal which, in an eerily similar fashion to the T-1000 of Hollywood notoriety, can pass around every hair on my face and at the same time slice my skin into raw hamburger.
The blades display an almost primitive intelligence in their ability to selectively harm living tissue. But seriously, unless you need a weapon to penetrate thick animal fur, don't waste your money on cheap Korean razors. You’d think that aligning 2 or 3 sharp blades on a plastic handle and gluing on a lubricating strip wouldn't be that hard, but in my experience, only Gillette seems to have gotten it right.
Lately, however, Gillette and other razor companies are going a little crazy, trying to convince us we actually need more blades on our razors. As of my last visit to the drug store, Schick is up to four blades with their Quattro design, but this is REALLY pushing it, folks. How in the hell will they justify five? "Well, the first blade stretches the hair while the second comes from behind and cuts it below the skin's surface. The third blade is for backup, in case there’s a monster hair on your face that two blades can't hack through (and you're just too lazy to take another stroke). The fourth blade doesn't do a damn thing, but allows us to charge an additional $3.50, while the fifth little blade cries wee-wee-wee all the way home." If it ever gets to this point, U.S. Patent Laws may require them to simply call the product a cheese grater.
I think companies should stop marketing solid hunks of rubber and plastic as some cutting edge (no pun intended) new technology. The TG-II Plus is only one example of this behaviour. But how about toothbrushes? Toothbrush commercials always try to make us feel like we need angled bristles or some wacky zig-zag design, or a toothbrush head that can flex and flop around and play mp3s or something. They advertise these brushes with laser effects and 3D demos of how they clean away tartar, plaque, and chunks of Oreo cookie, while a deep-voiced announcer introduces "the latest technology in dental hygiene". How is this in any way technological? I think we can all agree that technology ought to have flashing lights, buttons, LCD displays, memory cards, and fluxcapacitors. Or at least moving parts of some kind. Sorry guys, non-electric toothbrushes and disposable razors don't qualify.
The root of the problem seems to stem from anthropology. Anthropology textbooks and fossil-like professors have tried to brainwash many dewy-eyed students into believing that when chimpanzees in Africa use twigs to eat termites, that's TECHNOLOGY. No, professor, calm down. It's just a stick. I think I'll wait until the chimps work their way up to mastering fire before publishing my articles in Nature. And you can show off those prehistoric rocks as evidence of Neanderthal STONE TECHNOLOGY until your face turns blue - they're rocks, dude, and I'm not impressed. In fact, one of my many hobbies is carving rocks into peculiar random shapes, burying them, and hopefully confusing the shit out of some anthropologists in the distant future. And I encourage you all to do the same, because they'll be more likely to fall for it that way. And very deep in the ground, which they won't find for a long, long time, we'll bury a message that says, "Psych! Had you going there with the whole rock carving thing, didn't we? We really didn't use them for anything! Boy, you must feel pretty stupid, huh? Oh, and sorry about the ozone layer, in case that's still causing problems. Sincerely, Homo sapiens sapiens".
I'm sure I had a point in writing this article, but I can't recall exactly what it was now. Probably one of these:
Take your pick.
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