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Golden Key = Dog Shit
For the past three years, I have received offers of membership into the "prestigious" Golden Key International Honour Society. For the past three years, I have declined their offers.
For those of you who have never heard of the Golden Key cult, you can look up their website, or read my convenient summary of what they offer:
| What they tell you: | The truth: |
| We're recognizing your academic achievement! | Just give us $80 first... |
| You can write "Member of the Golden Key International Honour Society" for distinction on your resume! | Any employer who is fooled by this is a moron, and isn't worth working for. |
| Offer is by invitation only, to the top 15% of students in your university! | Yes, you're so unique and special that they address their letter to "Dear Student". The top 15% from my university works out to a mere 9,466 students. I guarantee you're being lumped in with at least a few first-class idiots. |
| Member-only access to Golden Key Career Library powered by "Vault"! | This mysterious "Vault" thing is probably a stupid job search program. Whoopee. My university offers me the same thing, without trying to sound like some arrogant, high-tech asshole. |
| We're non-profit! | I bet their Board of Directors, Council of Advisors, Council of Student Members, and their "trained, professional staff" all work for free, huh? Trust me, with $80 a head pouring in from all over the world, somebody's making a profit, somewhere. |
| You can check out your Local chapter website! | Yeah, and so can every other dipshit in the world (who are actually smarter than you because they didn't pay $80). |
| More than $500,000 in scholarships and awards are given out each year! | Sure, and it's divided between Australia, Canada, Malaysia, New Zealand, South Africa, and the United States. Guess how many Golden Key chumps from Canada won scholarships in 2003? Eight. I've got a better chance of winning the silver medal in women's gymnastics. |
| You'll receive electronic newsletters, leadership updates, special offers and invitations! | The same kind of shit that I spend 10 minutes deleting every day. |
| There's a special "Kickoff BBQ" being held on September 4th for all newly invited members! | You mean I'll get to eat a hamburger, too? Holy shit, where do I sign up?! |
So anyway, that's the gist of what they're about. In 2001, I recognized them for the elitist recognition-whores that they are, and just ignored their silly offer. In 2002, I gave them a sarcastic response. Then in 2003, I was a bit more direct. This year, the gloves are coming off:
August 30, 2004
Dear Golden Key Chapter Advisor,
Congratulations! You're an asshole. Stop sending me your shit.
Sincerely,
Daniel Isaac
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