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Q-Tip Instructions are Stupid

If you've ever looked at a package of Q-Tips or some other cotton-and-stick product, you'll no doubt find the explicit instructions:


WHAT?!  Is there some more creative way of removing earwax that I don't know about?  What the hell is going on here?

It turns out that Q-Tips are only to be used on the outer ear surfaces, and using "gentle strokes".  How could I not have know this?  Well, in my defense, I have never purchased a box of cotton swabs, taken it home, and flipped the box over wondering, "Now how are these babies supposed to work?"

Unless you're some rolling-around-in-pig-shit-every-day kind of person, your outer ear surface will never be so dirty on a regular basis as to necessitate a package of 500 double-sided Q-Tips.

The Q-Tip website (it's pathetic that there is such a thing, I know) would have you believe that there's other non-ear-related activities that you can be doing with cotton swabs:

Q-Tips for applying and removing makeup!

Now I'm no make-up expert, but doesn't makeup usually come with its own applicator gadgets?  And if you want to take the crap off, is a dinky little piece of cotton the most efficient thing?  Just grab a rag, soak it in water or alcohol, and scrub that ugly face of yours until it turns raw.

Q-Tips for cleaning baby parts!

I know what you're thinking.  "Clean a baby's ass with practically nothing but a toothpick?"  I'd like to meet the person brave enough to try that.  Actually, the parts they have in mind are toes, skin folds, outer ears (again, a complete waste of your time), and umbilical cords.  Look people, if it can't be cleaned with fingers, paper towels, or toilet paper, then it's not worth cleaning. 

Q-Tips for cleaning, waxing, and polishing parts of your car!

With a Q-TIP?!  This idea is so unbelievably stupid that I'm not even going to comment on it.

Q-Tips as disposable paintbrushes for the kids!

Go to the dollar store and buy your kids some paintbrushes you cheap asshole.  Or better yet, let them fingerpaint.

Q-Tips for use in arts and crafts!

To be more specific, they're recommended for making sculptures of castles, bridges, trees, or trains.  You've got to be kidding me!  What's next, a toy boat made out of tampons and band-aids?

The reason why those stupid warning instructions appear is quite obvious.  One day, some slack-jawed imbecile decided to play "How-Deep-Is-My-Ear-Canal?" and poked out his eardrum.  Good.  That's one less moron in the world with the gift of stereo hearing.  But then he went and sued the Q-Tip company for a few million dollars for not warning him that thrusting sticks in your ear can be risky business.  And because the retards on this planet have been multiplying like zombies, every company is now forced to idiot-proof their products regardless of how intuitive they may seem:

Q-Tips have one purpose, and one purpose only: to remove earwax from my ear canal.  And not with gentle, girlish strokes, either.  I'm talking about a firm, manly, resolute scraping motion that makes you lose your balance. 

Don't be pushed around by instructions meant for morons.  Let that earwax know who's boss.


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