Back to Home
Raw, Unpolished Crap From My Brain to Your EyesIf I mailed a helium balloon, would the post office owe ME money? That would be great. I could quit my job and just mail balloons to strangers all day. The fact that nobody has done this yet tells me it's a fantastic idea which the post office doesn't want you to know about. Spread the word, people.
Mirrors might be windows into a parallel dimension. And I could test this theory if only the other Daniel wasn't standing there in my way, trying to do the same thing. It's like that bastard never sleeps or something. One thing I'm sure of, though: I'm stronger than him, because whenever I push against the mirror, the glass always bends into his dimension. So if he ever comes through when I'm not around to stop him, I'm pretty sure I can kick his ass. You should test your strength against your doppelganger, too. I'm pretty sure we need not fear the inhabitants of Dimension X.
Overpopulation is not a big problem. If everyone was committed to the idea of having only one child, the population of Earth would be halved within one generation. The only obstacle in implementing this plan is we'd have so many old people hanging around by that time, which would totally screw with the economy, social welfare systems, hospitals, and the demand for cats and large-print books. Maybe some future government will start a war against seniors. Either that, or raise taxes. Both will be unpopular with the voters.
With all the chemicals in the food that we eat, I keep expecting to hear news reports of some unsuspecting person who literally blew themselves up by eating two foods at the same time which nobody had ever tried before. Think about it. There's bound to be some combination of two otherwise harmless and delicious foods which turn you into a biological time bomb when taken together. Maybe it's peanut butter and carrots. Or perhaps Guinness and apricot marmalade. Has anybody ever tried scrambled eggs and Gummi Bears? Of course not, but these unlikely pairs may very well present a threat to our society. I urge you all to do your part in fighting terrorism: if you see any person with brown skin or even a slight tan experimenting with Mars bars and mayonnaise, report this activity to the proper authorities, if only because xenophobe is a very cool word.
Incidentally, I'm happy to report that sardines and pineapple are perfectly safe.
Back to Home
Like it? Send me comments. Hate it? Send me hate mail.
All submissions become my property and may be posted on this site (if you're lucky).