Hell on TV: The Sailor Moon story
"It's like getting hit by a convoy of semi trucks"
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Man, I'm telling you, this is the fun part. Sometimes. Here's one of them. My comments in bold. All format and color changes were retained from the original e-mail.
Dear Whoever Made That Stupid Page,
Eminem's Little Cuz -Ashley
Wow, 2 weeks into this thing and I've allready got pop culture icon Eminem pissed off at me. I wasn't expecting that to happen until I stole his turntables and used them to smash his car doors in.
I don't want her to send an angry mob of sellout rappers after me, so by her request, here's me kissing her ass.
BTW, I'm a Gay Bastard. That saves you the effort of writing 'multiple choice' insults. Of course, it's kindof pointless to gramatically perfect your insults when the rest of the letter has enough spelling errors to crash your spell checker and turn your mail client into an Eminem lyrics generator, in that order.
I also wanted to start using words commonly used in the Sailor Moon shows, so I replied to her using them. Enjoy!
Don't be such a Space Case! If you like Sailor Moon, I'm gonna mash you into meatloaf! Sizzling.
You're boring me to snores, so i'll just say my website is humongous and leave it at that.
Oh Herbert, of course I'll marry you!
UPDATE: MORE EMAIL!
These letters are real prizes. Even Ashley can't top a few of these. We'll start off with our first 2-mail set from this peace and forgiveness loving old chap. Don't ask me why I think he's from England, I'm sortof just pretending he is:
How about you and your PEACE, LOVE, FORGIVENESS and FRIENDSHIP get together and have a BUMFUCKING PARTY?
I particularly love how this letter makes NO SENSE. He basically strings 5-10 positive words together randomly and expects me to understand what he's talking about. They use this kind of thing in those "Neighborhood Unity" commercials that they play in cities where the residents have nothing better to do than shoot eachother and steal hubcaps.
Anyways, if you care so much about peace and love, why don't you get Kiki's Delivery Service? I don't think you can make a film happier than that one. Sailor Moons got all that fighting and guns-to-peoples-heads shit. It's like using Mad Max to promote family values.
I think my favorite thing about Kiki's Delivery Service is that it doesn't have any space divas in it. A feature that is sorely lacking in most of today's animation.
Well, this guy thought he wasn't annoying and jargled enough on his
last letter, so he decided to follow up with this:
'Bumfucking' isn't in the dictionary, either.
If there's anything that REALLY annoys me, it's dictionary references. People that take words so literally that they can only distinguish them if they were added to a big english book by a bunch of Harvard scholars. If you understand a word to the point where you can tell what I'm talking about, IT'S A PROPER USE OF THE WORD. Additionally, there are a ton of words out there that represent one thing, but more commonly represent something else. For example, 'Ass' is supposed to be another word for 'Donkey', but it's more commonly used to describe people like this guy. I think I hear your chumleys from Scotland Yard calling for another dictionary hunt + bumfucking extravaganza, better hurry up before Watson comes and steals your knickers. And be back in time for tea & crumpets.
WE AREN'T DONE YET! Much more fun mail where that came from!
your fuckin damn loser who is running away from your love of salior
So, I was gay, now I'm a heterosexual running away from my true love, a badly drawn space diva.
I didn't think you could put "Kiki" and "Donkey Balls" in the same sentence, until I met this guy.
Dear Gay basterd,or are you a boy?
LORD TENTACULA AEND QUEEN BERYL IS SITTING HERE NEXT TO TEH COMPUTER HES GIVING U THE FUCKIN FINGER WITH HIS TENTACLES MOTHERFUCKER@#$#)$_&!(_*#LOLOL!!@!
People seem to love the "gay bastard" bit. Either people actually think I'm gay, or they're borrowing some comedy bits from the sellout rapper lady. I'm really starting to identify my self as the new Sailor Moon enemy, "Gay Bastard": the worlds greatest negaverse space villan. Together with my partner in crime RED SKULL, we will rule the mooniverse with an iron dildoe.
They weren't kidding about e-mailing me again. Not even an hour later, they sent me this:
dear Mr. person
Heh. I hate quitters.
Ha! You think you can get out of it that easily? As we speak,
my Anti Sailor Moon Army is advancing on your house, to get ready to tear
down your windows and steal your furniture! Also, I HACKED YOUR COMPUTER!
HAHA I AM A HACKER!! YOU'LL THINK TWICE BEFORE MESSING WITH THE GAY BASTARD
ARMY AGAIN!! HOHOHOHO!@@##@$#(*$&&&&&*(
Welp, back to the gay bashing.
I can't believe such a sick homosexual bastard would put this on a web
And, my informative and lengthy reply:
U R A FAGOT HAHA
YOU SUCK! im a 13 year old boy who happens to be a huge fan of sailormoon!
And i hate you site i stubled on to it on yahoo! and
I'd like everybody to note that the 'From' box says the sender's name is Lisa. Nice try, Lisa. She must have learned the art of disguise from Sailor Moon, which has similarly horrible disguises. The characters in the show look exactly the same in their attack costumes as they do with 'normal' clothes on, and they have a talking cat, to boot. Fortunately, the directors of Sailor Moon have a little trick of their own to "disguise" these problems with the show... PLOT GAPS!!! PLOT GAPS!!
LOOK, YOU LITTLE IDIOT, WHY THE H*** DO YOU CARE IF SAILOR MOON IS ON TV OR NOT?!!!! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT, YOU CHIKUSHOME (IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, THAN HA HA HA! I DOUBT SOMEONE AS STUPID AS YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND JAPENESE, ANYWAY.)SO JUST LAY OFF, OKAY?!!! BY THE WAY, IF I WASN'T A STRONG CHRISTIAN, I WOULD BE CUSSING UP A STORM.
HATING YOU WITH AN UNDYING PASSION,
P.S. YOU'D BETTER HOPE I NEVER FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE!
Seeing as you probably live in southern Mississippi, I doubt you live particularly close to me. Too bad, you could have done a good 'ol fashioned gay lynching.
I particularly love the "I LUV JEZAS" manly penis e-mails. I probably shouldn't respond to this, but seeing as I'm gay for some reason, I guess I'm going to hell anyways..
I'll admit, my Japanese is a tad rusty (especially in the 'insulting slang' department), but my religious establishment "The gay satan worshippers of the damned" allows me to use dictionaries, so I went and looked up "Chikushome" in a dictionary:
So, in the end, you DID cuss me. I bet you were banking on Jesus not speaking Japanese, weren't you? Trust me, he does.
Well, she/he/it doesn't want to swear at me, so I took the initiative and sent this:
I know where you live.
P.S. For the love of god, WAIT UNTIL WE GET THERE before you start accusing
people of witchcraft and killing them.. You people are the worst
fucking lynchers on the planet.
This next message gets a play-by-play from me. My comments are in bold, of course.
Dear boka!(And you proubly dont know what that means seeing as how you hate sailor moon!)
It's baka, not boka. (It means 'Stupid'; It's also one of the most overused insults on the planet. Coincidentally, it's also one of the least frequently misspelled insults on the planet as well.)
I love how me hating Sailor Moon suddenly makes it so I can't speak Japanese. Well, I guess that it -IS- the sole representation of the country, after all. The entire country gets together and works on making Sailor Moon episodes.
Of course, this person could be referring to 'Bouka' which means 'Fire protection'. I think for the fun of it, i'll accept this as what the mailer wanted to call me.
I think sailor moon is kiwii( proubly dont know what that is too!).
And again, It's Kawaii, not Kiwii. I know enough Japanese to distinquish between descriptive words and tropical fruits.
I DO NOT like what you are doing here. If you dont like sailor moon then dont post it every were! Just get over it stupied! Like to tell me that sailor moon is stupied to my face?!?!?! ya i thought so!!!!!!!! So HA HA HA!!!!!!!!
Ooooohhh.. you one tuff mothafucka.. you steppen' and shit? Skippin classes to go smoke cigarettes and shit? you one badass mother.
sailro moon is just one of the best animes of the would!
For your info.
You're right, I couldn't get through one series, seeing as there's like 100 episodes per series multiplied by 2 or 3 series'. Brings me to my next point: SOME THINGS NEED TO CONCLUDE. If they made 500 tv-like episodes of kiki's delivery service, I'd probably get bored with that too. When it gets the point where you've made so many shows that you've exhausted every possible variation of "beating up space villains" It's time to work on a new show.
Here's a whole slop bucket of other not-as-interesting mail (and mail I couldn't understand at all), with my comments below.
i just want you to know that your site really sucks. you know nothing
about sailor moon, to even say anything about the show.
I don't even know how to interpret that.
Hi there whoever you are, I'm just one of the many people who stumbled
Considering the only movies out on film at the time this letter was sent are "Jurassic Park 3" and "Legally Blonde", I don't think you're spending your time any better than I am. Theaters have sucked since the advent of cell phones anyways.