THE SLAYING OF SAILOR MOON

by Madge N. Airy

The evening began quietly and normally enough. I had just finished applying my nightly mud mask and had put on my iguana slippers and matching bathrobe when I heard the doorbell ring.

I'm not the type of person to be overly concerned about being seen by other people when I'm just about to crawl into bed. So I plodded down the stairs with green mud on my face to answer the door.

Oh yeah, I also grabbed my shotgun. It's not a very safe neighborhood. A lot of monsters have been seen running around lately.

I took a look through the peephole and saw my neighbor's kid, Amy. She never takes off that uniform. I wonder if she sleeps in it?

I opened the door to ask her what she wanted, but she took one look at me turned tail. That kid can be dreadfully annoying at times.

I shut the door and began to plod back up the stairs. That's when I heard the racket out on my front lawn.

Taking care to make sure my shotgun was loaded first, I ran out onto my porch to investigate. There stood Amy- I'm sorry, Sailor Mercury (she has some sort of split personality of somethin'). Anyway, Sailor Mercury is standing there looking kind of tough. She gets all dramatic and says: I'm Sailor Mercury. Yada yada I will punish you.

I said: Look kid, don't come bothering me at this hour of night. I'm packing iron here! She looks kind of worried for a second, the spins around screaming: Mercury bubbles....blast! This fog came out of nowhere, and it was so cold it made my hair (which was still kind of wet) freeze. That's it, I was thinking, this kid's gonna get an old-fashioned butt whipping. Then three more girls show up.

I've been suspecting that Amy is in some sort of street gang, a gang that does drugs in mass quantities. There was that blond chick, Sailor Venus; and that bratty chick, Sailor Mars; and there was also that really big chick, Sailor Jupitor. Sailor Jupitor said something to me, but I missed it because she attempted to kick me in the face.

I say 'attempted' because I knew some basic martial arts skills. I always knew the 'tough' act was a lot of hot air. I threw her across the yard and into my pygmy junipers. Heh heh! Those scars will never go away!

I didn't get a chance to relish my victory very long, because that Sailor Mars brat slapped the back of my head with her 'magic' paper. She very nearly broke off all of my frozen hair. I was so mad, I turned around and shot her. The look on her face was unforgettable. I was beginning to feel more in control of the situation at this point.

The blond chick (Sailor Venus) turns to me and says: Venus...Crescent Beam. She didn't finish, because as soon as I point my shotgun at her she shut up real quick. I told her to get off my property. She turned around and ran out into the street. The two surviving girls followed her, and I followed them to make sure they didn't get the inspiration to come back. They were inspired real quick, because the gang leader finally showed up.

I'm going to punish you, she says. I fired a warning shot just above her head. Then she does this irritating whine and cry act right in the middle of the street. I threatened to call the police if she didn't shut up. I'd have to call them anyway, I didn't want that Sailor corpse on my lawn all night.

I heard this voice behind me, so I turned to look and what do I find? Some nut in a turban in my tree. He throws this flower at me (which, I've got a feeling came right off of my prize rose bush) which falls ineffectually at my feet. He gives the whining kid some haiku he must have taken right off of some Daily Inspirations wall calendar. Clearly, he's trespassing, so I blew him away in the middle of his useless motivational lecture. He fell out of my tree and made an amusing thud when he landed.

I turned back to the crybaby, and see the whole gang (minus two) lined up and ready to beat me upside the head with this sceptor thingy. Too bad for me, I ran out of ammunition. I promised myself to buy something with a bigger amunition chamber as soon as I got out of the hospital. But the city was on my side.

What do I mean by that?

Well, the city garbage collector was scheduled to come by that evening. So, Sailor Moon says: Moon...Sceptor...Elim-splat! All four of the Sailor gang were hit by a garbage truck going 60 miles an hour. I should complain about that driver, he always drives around the neighborhood going too fast.

Anywho, the four little corpses were peeled away from the grille of the truck and given a proper burial along with Moonlight Jerk and Sailor Mars. The moral of the story kiddies is that you'd better stay off of Aunty Madge's lawn at night.

Do we have ourselves an understanding?