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I decide what qualifies as hate mail. All submissions will remain anonymous unless otherwise requested, or unless you're a total dick:
From: Kate O'Connell <email@example.com>
Sent: October 26, 2005 11:29:23 AM
Subject: we luv sailor moon
i cant believe how you totally threw the -->CARTOON<-- Sailor Moon into the shit heap..its a cartoon tv show for christ sake..its not meant to be based on reality..just a bit of pretty colourful things that we watch for half an hour daily! if youy dont want to watch it..turn the god dammed tv off for christ sake!no one is forcing you too watch the 'horrible misguided' show any way!
any way in conclusion get a life..or make a life for your self and do some thing other than create pathetically boring web pages on how much you hate cartoon tv shows. and by the way just because you have got some thing against make up doesnt mean that its evil! like you so forcefully suggested in your pathetic web page! i cant believe that i even bothered to read it! what a waste of precious seconds that i could have been using to pick scabs or something!! GEEZ
GO SAILOR MOON!! WE LUV YA!! AND WE CAN GET OVER THE FACT THAT ITS A CARTOON!!
Yeah, in retrospect, it was totally wrong of me to watch Sailor Moon and then express my opinion about it. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, like you said, if I find something disagreeable I should simply not look at it. And why stop at just TV shows? Let's include advertisements, movies, books, newspapers, magazines, and even...(drum roll, please)...WEB SITES!
So I'll take your advice, and if I should ever disagree with something I read on a web site, I'll just shut down my browser...because shooting off an angry e-mail to express my contrasting opinion about it would be pretty damn stupid, wouldn't it, Kate?
Sent: October 16, 2005 5:56:46 AM
Subject: you are a nimrod
A Q-tip saved my life!
Fuck you, you nimrod.
ps:robin williams is my uncle
Heh. Ok, that was pretty funny. Best hate mail I've received so far.
From: Supreme Baka <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sent: October 6, 2005 10:52:47 PM
Subject: Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon
Sailor moon is the best show ever!!!!
I know the first impresion when you watch the american version, but the japanese version is WAY BETTER. DiC messed up Sailor moon so if i were you, i'd keep my mouth shut until u see the real thing! ya kno, i hate ppl like u! Anywayzzzzz sailor moon gets pretty violent in some other episodes. how many did u see? 1? 2? u piss me off! Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon is a great show, and ppl like u shouldn't judge the series by 1 crappy american episode!
ChUrKeYs+ BaKiSh MiNiOnS+sUpReMeBaKa=WoRlD dOmInAtIoN
Oh man, do I ever feel silly! I can't believe I lived all these years without realizing how brilliant Sailor Moon really is! The problem was that I had only seen one episode. I took your advice and watched another, and here's how great it was:
Just kidding, I'll never watch that crap. You were probably honestly hoping that I would change my mind and become a die-hard addict like yourself, and then we could become pen pals, and dress up in cutesy Sailor Moon outfits together and go to comic book conventions, and give each other coffee enemas.
In retrospect, I believe I was wrong in judging a cartoon based on a single episode. Instead, I should have been judging it based on the astonishing stupidity of its fan base, which, from what I've seen, has the collective IQ of a wet sock.
Oh, and it was the Japanese version, so piss off.
From: Michael Porter <email@example.com>
Sent: October 2, 2005 8:56:39 AM
Subject: ADHD: and that we dont all move faster
man, as funny
as you are, Robin williams is funnier, and as
for people with ADHD moving faster i have this to say:
NO! ive got ADHD tqake 40mls of Ritalin, bujt im snot fast, im just a slow fat
bastard, so your wrong
Mick Porter, Aka, crazier that you
it looks like you whipped off that e-mail pretty goddamn fast, Mick.
Thanks for proving my point. If
you were able to read this message up to this point, you're
probably exhausted, so I'll
make the rest simple:
From: Cloud Macross <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sent: September 8, 2005 12:06:53 PM
Subject: Post my email you sad bitch!
You didn't make
the cut did you?
Don't be sad neither did I, but I don't sit around and bitch about it pretending that the golden key is bothering me!
Apparently they only send you the letter once in your academic career and if you don't respond within a couple of weeks they scrap you from the list altogether.
Sounds to me like you made this bullshit up or some turd is playing a prank on you, so don't respond cause I know a dropkick who pulled this same prank on a freshman. Only difference was the stooge responded eagerly after the 2nd letter with a friggen $65 Money Order. You can check if the letters is legit by checking if you have an over 85% course waited average.
Otherwise just pull up your pants and accept that you're a dumb shit just like the rest of the 85% of us who were too busy screwing hoes and chasing pussy to do any work!
love Cloud (No I aint gay you fucking fag rag sack of shit!)
P.S. I will kill you bitch if you dont post my email
Thanks, Clod. There's nothing so refreshing as getting the straight facts from a guy, who knows a guy, who played a prank on a guy who once got a letter from the Golden Key International Attention-Whore Society. That's much more reliable than the obviously forged letters I've received. I'd like to submit them to the nearest forensic science lab for authentication, but unfortunately, I used them for toilet paper a long time ago.
By the way, I almost decided not to post this e-mail, because it looks like I'm acquiescing to the whims of some self-proclaimed nimrod who aggressively volunteers the fact that he "aint gay" (methinks thou doth protest too much). The post-scripted death threat was a classy touch, too, almost guaranteeing him a spot on my ignore list.
But then he made himself look sufficiently stupid by implying that 15% of all students have averages of 85% or better. It's too bad that Clod had a timetable conflict between first-year math and "screwing hoes and chasing pussy"...otherwise, he might've been able to turn down a Golden Key offer himself, and wouldn't have to dissect mine.
From: Mr. Phippen <email@example.com>
Sent: July 29, 2005 5:54:53 PM
Who do you think you are?
What are you thinking?
Where are you getting all this bullshit?
People hate you.
Idiot, all I can say when I read some of your shit.
Time, you have to much of.
Elected as biggest dumbass.
Want to be like me?
Big loser face.
Mutliple Stupid Articles.
I think not.
Now this is what I'm talking about! Kudos, Sir Kirksalot. You're much more creative than Mr. Anonymous.
So anyway, your poem was great, almost perfect. I really liked the "Octopus" line. But I advise you to stay away from using big words like "Uneduacted". It doesn't help your case.
From: b <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sent: July 8, 2005 2:27:42 AM
Subject: You're not funny, you're not original.
off, I know you will probably pre-maturely cream yourself when finding this
email in your hotmail inbox. Second of all, nobody reads your stupid site. It
has been up for almost a year, and despite the 24 articles(and I use the word
"article" loosely here because your page is home to some of the most
un-original bullshit that I have ever had the misfortune of reading), you have
only gotten 2 pieces of hatemail as of yet(3 if you choose to post mine). Your
responses are not witty and your material isn't clever or interesting. Also, get
a life, kid. Only anonymous cry-baby pussies use MSN and "hotmail".
Don't even bother replying to this because everyone will find out how much of a
stupid, stale dumbass you are(if they havn't already[doubtful]).
Nobody reads your shitty site, I suggest you quit while you're ahead, finish junior high, because your writing skills are at that level, and get a goddamn life.
Wow, you've got me. I guess I'll just quit. After all, nobody (and I use the word "nobody" loosely here because it includes a few thousand people, not to mention cockholes like yourself) reads what I write.
Most people would realize that I'm hardly trying to be anonymous (which is more than I can say about you, "b"), since my real name is Daniel Isaac, and my website is called "Daniel Isaac: The Website". I think using a garbage e-mail account (email@example.com) to receive garbage like yours makes perfect sense.
But b, I'm disappointed in you. You acknowledge that I can choose to post your message, however you failed to make that final intellectual leap: namely, that I probably receive a lot more mail than what you see on this site. Thanks for thinking things through before firing off a venomous e-mail at 2:30 AM while fondling yourself with smug satisfaction. And I must say, it takes a special kind of moron to judge the quality of a site by the amount of hate mail it receives.
Truth is, I get hate mail quite often, but I can only post it if it's readable, and if it has a point. Because there's not much I can say in response to comments like, "bitch your not funny and i hope you get eye cancer."
Yours, on the other hand, was quite well-written. At least that's how it seemed at first. But then I looked closer and saw something interesting:
Number of times you tell me to get a life: 2
Number of times you call me (and my site) stupid: 2
Number of times you tell me nobody reads my site: 2
Number of times you (ironically) call me unoriginal: 2
Turns out you're just a repetitive twat.
From: Mary Jo & John Robertson <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sent: June 8, 2005 12:36:29 AM
I get a lot of these types of e-mails. The ones where it's painfully obvious the writer is some kid using Mommy and Daddy's e-mail account (way-to-go, Mr. Anonymous), and is so in love with my web site that he/she uses the shotgun approach to finding something that will insult me (notice the clumsy transitions between such topics as my web site, heterosexuality, mental state, nationality, ethnicity, sense of humor, and god), hoping to elicit an angry response which would guarantee him/her recognition on my totally rockin', undeniably cool web site.
Well, I don't usually post such messages because it only encourages them, but I figured I'd show you this piss-poor example of what today's youth try to pass off as hate mail. Come on, people, put a little love into it. At least hate me with some style.
And for crissakes, if you haven't graduated from high school yet, why don't you invest 13 seconds of your life to spell-check that shit so it's not so obvious. I mean, when you misspell routine as "rotten", it's not even a challenge...
Sent: February 21, 2005 2:25:05 PM
Subject: Robin Williams isn't funny.
First, funny as an opinion is up to the audience. To you, he isn't funny. Too bad. Second, An ADHD kid on amphetamines does not move faster. nbsp; If you knew anything at all about ADHD, you would know that. But I have probably already exceeded your brains limit. If you think getting hit in the balls, I suggest you hit yours thirty of forty times with a hammer. You'll laugh until you cry and hopefully ruin your ability to procreate.
You're right. As an occasional audience member, I'm entitled to opine that Mr. Williams totally blows. For all the people who've suffered through a Robin Williams performance, it is indeed "too bad".
Also, I like to throw the occasional pharmacological error into my articles just to see if there's any dipshits out there who actually care about what I write. Thanks for caring, dickhead.
Your jibe at my "brains limit" was also very much appreciated. And thank you for your poorly constructed sentence with the juvenile advice to hit myself with a hammer. Rest assured, however, that human cloning would still allow me to procreate.
Sent: Mon, 21 Feb 2005 01:02:44 -0600
Subject: Robin Wiliams
Yeah he really sucks, thats why he is RICH and you are NOT. i have loved
Robin Williams ever since Mrock and Mindy. HE IS FUNNY but YOU are NOT!
I couldn't agree more with the first four words of your e-mail. I must say, however, that even if Robin Williams were a panhandler reeking of piss and vodka (that is to say, not a rich man), I'd still call him unfunny. Some people might assume that his wealth is an indicator of comic talent. The same people might also believe that homeopathic medicine works just because it's a billion-dollar industry. Sometimes a lot of people like shit that is just no good.
Oh, and by the way, I am both rich, and funny.
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