Hell on TV: The Sailor Moon story

"It's like getting hit by a convoy of semi trucks"


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Art of Word

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The Art of Word

Here is a somewhat random piece from a Sailor Moon screenplay I pulled off a site while I was doing "research" (looking at Sailor Moon porn).  I have taken the liberty of bolding out the words I think will take the english language by storm, and I encourage you to use them in everyday speech.

Serena "I thought sewing class was never gonna end.  Weren't you just bored to snores, Molly?"

(Molly nods.  Suddenly . . .)

Melvin "Gossip update, girls!"


Melvin "Oh, but this gossip is sizzling!  My sources tell me that Miss Lambert's getting married.  That's why she turned into such a space case."


Herbert "Helen, darling, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?  Would you?  Please?  I'll the happiest man in the world."

Miss Lambert "Oh Herbert.  Of course I'll marry you."


Melvin "And you wanna know the best part?  He's a computer salesman. Stupendous, huh?"

(Editors note: Lose stupendous, and try 'stupid'.  Additionally, why is marrying a computer salesman a good thing?  Have you ever met a computer salesman?  They're like used car dealers.  She should hook up with me, I've got enough parts laying around here to start a computer WAREHOUSE.  Additionally, I'm not a computer salesman. That should be prize enough.)

Serena "Yuck.  That sounds totally boring.  When I get married, it's gonna be to the most wicked cool guy.  I'll have a humongous wedding, and an awesome dress, and a chocolate cake that goes to the ceiling."

(She snaps back to reality when her ice cream falls on her head.)


Amazing, truly brilliant. This next sample is from a fight scene, in the Sailor Moon episode called "Bad Hair Day" (I saw it, and knew it was going to be good). In this scene, the lady at the beauty parlor has just turned into a "Negamonster", and is trying to.. kill people? I'm not really sure, you tell me:

Negamonster "Ha ha ha ha ha."

Mina "She's a nightmare."

(Meanwhile, Serena is now out of sight.)

Serena "Miss Scissorhands thinks she's got the real Sailor Moon. As if. Is she in for a surprise. The real Sailor Moon will now step forward. MOON PRISM POWER!"

TOT-A-LLY! Radical DUDE! LIKE, WHATEVER! At this point, I'd like to mention the fact that somebody on the internet spent time writing down all of this..

(Summoning the power of her Moon Prism Locket, Serena transforms into Sailor Moon, Champion of Justice. She confronts the Negamonster.)

Sailor Moon "Looking for me?!"

(Obviously, the Negamonster's shocked.)

Sailor Moon "You ARE looking for Sailor Moon?"

Negamonster "What? How can this be?!"

Sailor Moon "I am Sailor Moon, Champion of Justice! On behalf of the Moon, I will right wrongs . . . and triumph over evil . . . and that means you. You've got the wrong girl. Got that, roller-brain?"

Negamonster "Hah! Pretty speeches don't impress me, moon-face. I'll snip you down to size . . . in no time flat."

Get it, SNIP? BAD HAIR DAY? AHAHAHAHA. It's a joke, thanks.

(The scissors that are her right hand retreat into her arm. Sailor Moon knows what this means.)

Sailor Moon "Eee! Now I'm in for it."

(It means she's pulling something else out.)

Negamonster "How about a quick blow-dry?"

(Her right hand becomes a hair dryer.)

Negamonster "I'll set it on . . . REALLY HOT!"

(REALLY HOT is right. It shoots flames! As Sailor Moon dodges the attack.)

Mina "I gotta help her . . .”

(But the sleep gas is finally beginning to affect Mina. She falls asleep.)

Negamonster "Let's get rid of some of those split ends right down . . . to the roots! Ah ha ha ha ha."

(Sailor Moon ducks behind a partition. The flame passes the plants on top, toasting them.)

Sailor Moon "AAAH!"

Negamonster "Bangs are a little long, don't you think?"

It looks like the beauty parlor monster isn't going to "cut it out"! This is a "scissors" of a situation here! WHOA! AHAHAHAHA!

(Now the Negamonster's hand is a razor, and it's SHARP! It cuts straight through the partition! She dodges the slice, then has to run again as the Negamonster's hand becomes a machine-gun spray trigger, loaded with barber shears! She rolls out of the way, but crashes into a rolling tray loaded with cosmetics.)

Negamonster "Ha HA! Ha ha ha ha!"

(Thinking she has her now, the Negamonster closes in, but Sailor Moon picks up a jar of blush and throws it in her face, blinding her. Sailor Moon readies to transform the Negamonster back into the beauticians.)

Sailor Moon "Talk about a bad hair day. Well, you're in for one, lady! No one messes with Sailor Moon, and you make sure to tell Queen Beryl that. MOON HEALING . . .”

(But before she can finish, something stings her hand and makes her drop the wand.)

Sailor Moon "Ow! Oh, my wand."

WOW. That was fucking HARDCORE. Sailor Moon is going to have a "hair" of a time getting out of that mess.