Hell on TV: The Sailor Moon story

"It's like getting hit by a convoy of semi trucks"


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Other crappy shows the voice actors worked on

The voices on Sailor Moon are downright abhorable. They're whiny, annoying, high pitched, and bratty. In other words, they fit the Sailor Moon characters perfectly.

You would think that these would just be drug addict hobos that they pulled in from off the street, but it turns out that most of them have a very long and comprehensive list of previous jobs, working as voice actors for equally crappy cartoons and movies. I thought I would highlight the work of these heroes of culture, so that we can all collectively place our blame on them for the increased rate of brain cancer in America.

Because I haven't seen most of these works, I have instead opted to have clips from external sites, along with links to their respective homes on the web. Most of these sites are comic genius, and I recommend you look at some of the other high quality pages on them.

The Sailor Moon voice actor

Yes, that's right. The head honcho. I'm going to give this one a comprehensive character destruction, seeing as she's the voice actor numero uno.

The really funny thing about the Sailor Moon voice actor is her lack of identity. During her career, she does everything from snotty kids shows to cheesy 80s slasher flicks. Of course, all of these films/shows do have one combining similarity: they all completely suck.


Care Bears - Baby Hugs/Shrieky (voice)

Posted by Anonymous:

"I care! I care! I care... wait a minute, I don't care, and neither should you. What's the point of brainwashing a bunch of kids to care? To sell toys? It would have been a lot better if at the sugar-coated climax of this animated kid's classic, instead of projecting all that caring, the care bears projectile vomited in the same manner as the viewers--in horror at what the kids of '85 were being spoon fed. The only redeeming value of the film is the high level of realism and social commentary that portrays an America torn apart by violence, class warfare, prejudice, and Hi-C. Share Bear, Birthday Bear... how 'bout Disgusted Bear. Please don't subject your children to this piece of un-Carefully illustrated nonsense. Take them to the park instead."

Go get 'em punk dude!

As lame as the Care Bears movie was, it is probably the highlight of the Sailor Moon voice actor's cinematic career, as you're about to find out.


Killer Party - Melanie

"This one is an early slasher movie like they make them now. No character development, you don't see the killings (only the after fact cadavers and those aren't even scary), the worst looking/dumbest/most irritating cast ever assembled on pelicule, no scares, no chills and the worst effects make this one the worst slasher films of the 80's. I only saw the last 50 minutes, but i saw enough. These kind of films give horror a bad name."

From Night of the Creeps:

Mr. Paul: "Eighties clothes, music, titty, and attitudes... not very good. However, I did like the music video at the beginning."


This next crap factory was actually voiced by a lot of the people that did Sailor Moon:

Beverly Hills Teens - Bianca Dupree/Blaze Summers

From We Ain't Cool.com:

'Take a crappy show teenage show like Beverly Hills 90210, make a cartoon version out of it, stick in some cartoonish tomfoolery, and you get something like Beverly Hills Teens. Debuted in 1987, this cartoon easily deserves a spot on the top 5 worst cartoons of all time. The show revolved around a group of preppy rich kids who did nothing but spend money like it was going out of style. After taking a closer look at this cartoon, it seems as if the script from Clueless was stolen straight from Beverly Hills Teens! BHT featured the stereotypical cast of clowns from Beverly Hills... the surfer dude, the hot chick, the popular guy who is dating the hot chick, the bumbling fool, and the gossiping bitch. The cartoon screamed out "Looks and material possessions are everything!" What a great concept for kids to learn! Call me crazy, but a cartoon based on a bunch of spoiled, arrogant, pretty-boy rich kids dressed in cheesy clothes just doesn't seem like a very good idea. The show only lasted one season, which was one season too long. So why did Beverly Hills Teens bomb so bad while Beverly Hills 90210 and Clueless enjoyed success? Simple, because those shows may have sucked just as bad, but at least we had Jennie Garth and Alicia Silverstone to look at."

From Yesterdayland

"Back in the days before cartoons decided to develop a social conscience, Beverly Hills Teens taught the kids at home that classic 80's mantra, "Greed is good." Adding a bit more sass to the classic Richie Rich formula, this weekday syndicated show featured the wealthiest teens on the planet: beautiful blonde lead Larke, her boyfriend Troy, boy genius Chester, arrogant Pierce Thorndyke, gossipy Switchboard, surfer dude Radley, African-American beauty Chanel, southern belle Tara, and ultra-bratty Bianca, who wanted to steal Troy from Lark. The rest of the cast included Bianca's manservant Wilshire, rockers Jett and Gig, pink poodle Fifi, and Pierce's back- talking pocket computer, the CAD unit.

The premise was simple: the kids were rich, and they bought things. Whether riding in the back of stretch limousines or maxing out their credit cards on clothes, the teens always managed to find the kinds of adventures only the fabulously wealthy could ever afford.

Well, kids, money can buy many things, but it can't buy ratings. Beverly Hills Teens ran for only one season in syndication, crushing the dreams of legions of young capitalists. Their disappointment was eased when the spirit of the Beverly Hills Teens lived on in shows like Beverly Hills 90210 and the film/TV series Clueless. "


Hello Mary Lou! Prom Night II - Kelly Hennonlotter

From Stomp Tokyo.com:

"Although we were mildly impressed by the special effects, the acting and dialogue were bad enough to distract us from any redeeming features the film might have had. Lyons bares her soul (and everything else) as Vicki, but she's a lttle too old to be playing a high school student. And though Schrage is obviously having the time of her life as Mary Lou, the rest of the actors are just plain terrible. The highest paid actor in the movie was obviously Michael Ironside, but even his fans will have a hard time enjoying his plywood performance. Our theory is that he signed a contract that he would get paid by the word, and the makers of Prom Night II tricked him by using only footage of Ironsides waiting between takes and tried to pass it off as Bill Nordham looking pensive. This would explain why Ironsides looks so bored, and why he has almost no dialogue until the end of the movie. The rest of the 'teenagers' (most of them appearing to be in their mid-twenties, at least) were probably recruited from the audition rejects at the local community theater. There's also a bit of dialogue about vegetable-powered radios that nearly left us in tears. 

Should you be inclined to rent Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II, then your tolerance for bad movies is probably already high. You'll need that tolerance to get through this cinematic travesty. The body count is nice and high, but the plot moves forward as if no one has noticed the corpses lying around. The aforementioned girls' locker room killing is never discovered or even mentioned on camera. This flick is long on stupid dialogue and short on interesting plot developments. The moviemakers want to have it both ways at once, aping the form of Carrie (paranormal killer at the prom) but not making the killer sympathetic at all. Having no one to root for during the last half of the movie makes it an exercise in watching bad actors die. It's not that we don't enjoy watching bad actors bite the dust, but this structural flaw makes even the original Prom Night look like a paragon of horror moviemaking."


Wow, ouch.

Well, I don't want to only destroy one voice actor, so I'm moving onto the rest of them.

Sailor Mercury voice actor

Pippi Longstocking - Mrs. Settergren

ALL the Pippi Longstocking movies and TV shows are absolute shit. I'm not going further into this.

The Brunching Shuttlecocks - Why Pippi Longstocking is a great book


More to come pending future updates.